


To Be My Real Self

by kiki_chu



Series: Yuri!!! On Ice Themed Weeks and Events [5]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alpha Victor Nikiforov, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Dubious Consent, M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Omega Katsuki Yuuri, Panic Attacks, Supportive Victor Nikiforov, Transdynamic, self-disgust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-27 00:31:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15012764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiki_chu/pseuds/kiki_chu
Summary: Yuuri has always felt a little strange in his body. He can't quite explain the feeling so he buries it in the back of his mind. Then his doctor orders him off his suppressants, and all those feelings of not-quite-right come rushing back as he tries to prepare for his first heat with Viktor.Maybe with Viktor, Yuuri can find the words to understand himself. First he has to make it through his heat.For YOI Omegaverse Week





	To Be My Real Self

**Author's Note:**

> For Day 5 Prompt: Heat
> 
> Thanks to [Stars Gleam](http://stars-gleam.tumblr.com/) for beta reading.

Yuuri has long felt uncomfortable in his own body. The counselor Celestino helps him find in Detroit suggests that it might be because of his eating and dieting habits. How can he feel comfortable in a body that so frequently changes? She advises him to change his suppressants to a brand that has a side effect of appetite inhibition.

 

Yuuri knows that’s not it. Yuuri is well aware of the scramble to adjust to changes in his body. He was frequently the heaviest child when he was young. He had struggled and dieted and gotten to his target weight only to have to deal with the chaos his puberty and presenting-changed body had wreaked on his skating.

 

This feeling is not about his body feeling too big or too small. It’s something else, something deeper.

 

But Yuuri doesn’t have the words to describe what he’s feeling to his counselor. He might try to find someone else and hope that they will be able to make sense of Yuuri’s vaugeties. He doesn’t want to try though. Yuuri knows that he’s messed up in more ways than one, and this counselor has made such headways with Yuuri’s anxiety. Just thinking of trying to find someone else causes Yuuri to have such a bad anxiety attack that his new roommate, Phichit, freaks out and calls an ambulance.

 

So he doesn’t say anything, and he convinces his doctor to prescribe him the suggested suppressants. They have the promised effect. In fact, they are so much stronger than the ones he had been prescribed by his doctor in Japan that they hide away almost all signs of his omeganess.

 

Yuuri begins to feel a little better. He wonders if maybe his counselor was right after all; maybe she knows more about Yuuri’s body and mind than he did himself.

 

Then the Sochi Grand Prix Finals happens.

 

Yuuri’s drowning in a lake of a thousand different heavy feelings, and when he’s able to get his head above the surface he’s on his way back to Japan with a diploma and a broken coaching contract. Yuuri is dragged under again. His new suppressants are not yet legal in Japan, and there’s no need to waste money on expensive suppressants if Yuuri isn’t skating anymore so he doesn’t get any more. Once the drugs are out of his system, Yuuri’s need to eat his feelings returns along with that wrong, wrong, WRONG feeling.

 

Then Viktor is there in his parents’ hotsprings, and suddenly they’re coach and student. Yuuri goes back on his diet and suppressants, and his feelings lessen to the point that he can shove them to the edges of his mind as he tries to focus on skating, with Viktor,  _ for  _ Viktor.

 

The season is a blur, but it ends with him wearing a silver medal around his neck, a gold ring on his finger, and a pink, healing bonding mark on the back of his neck.

 

Yuuri moves to Russia to be with Viktor: the love of his life, his coach, his mate.

 

During his postseason physical, his new Russian doctor tells Yuuri he needs to clear the suppressants out of his system and undergo a heat before she will prescribe any more. Except for his short, post-Sochi dint, Yuuri has been on suppressants since first being prescribed them after his first heat when he was seventeen. The doctor is right, it’s unnatural and unhealthy, but it’s how Yuuri knows how to live.

 

He can’t not have suppressants, so Yuuri talks things over with Viktor. They decide that for this heat together, Viktor will stay on his suppressants. Maybe some other time they will go off their suppressants at the same time, but for this first time Viktor wants to be aware enough to care for Yuuri, emotionally as well as physically. Yuuri is reassured by this enough that he cancels his fledgling plans of having Yuuko illegally mail him suppressants from Japan.

 

It takes two weeks for Yuuri to go into preheat. He becomes increasingly worried as the days pass. He tries to seek comfort in nesting, but not even a pile of his and Viktor’s clothing weighing a metric ton would help. He builds and rebuilds his nest, moving it into the closet and then back out at one point. Viktor is beside him the whole time, excited but steady and dependable in his own odd way.

 

Just before Yuuri’s last bit of awareness succumbs to the fever of his body, he realizes that he really, really wishes he didn’t have to do this.

 

.

 

When Yuuri regains his senses five days later, his body is sticky and sore. He can feel the primal satisfaction of his body; the chemicals unique to his dynamic are throbbing through his veins and telling his brain what to think instead of letting him work things out on his own. He feels the unstoppable need to continue clinging to Viktor who is dozing at his side. His body is telling him this is right, good. His brain is screaming no, no, NO.

 

Yuuri bursts into tears.

 

Viktor startles awake. He’s covered in scratches and bruises that Yuuri knows he must have caused. Viktor’s silver hair is a mess and there are bags beneath his eyes. He looks exhausted, but he still reaches for Yuuri and tries to hold him close.

 

That’s exactly what Yuuri’s body, his instincts, his very omega-ness, wants. Yuuri’s brain rejects it. Still crying, Yuuri launches himself backwards against one side of the nest and out of Viktor’s immediate reach.

 

“Yuuri?” There’s hurt in Viktor’s eyes. Yuuri’s wounded his mate as much here as he had that night in Barcelona, but Viktor’s learned a lot about the way Yuuri works since then. He lowers his outreached arm. “Yuuri, what’s wrong?”

 

“Don’t touch me.” Yuuri’s breathing is ragged between his sobs. “I’m disgusting.”

 

“Solnyshko, no. You’re wonderful.” Viktor doesn’t reach for Yuuri again, but he clearly wants to.

 

Yuuri shakes his head. Viktor continues talking to him, keeping the endearments coming and his voice low and soothing. Eventually, Yuuri’s crying slows to the occasional shudder.

 

“Do you want a bath?”

 

Yuuri nods. 

 

“Why don’t you rinse yourself off while I run one for you?”

 

He feels his heart accelerating as he thinks of the mess on him again, but cleaning himself is the first necessary step to keeping himself from panicking again. Yuuri climbs out of their nest and off the bed. He immediately twists the water to the hottest setting and lets the near scalding water pour over him for a couple of minutes before picking up a loofa and the bottle of body wash. He needs to wash the scent of needy omega off him right now.

 

Yuuri leaves the shower stall ten minutes later in a cloud of steam. His skin is flush and pink from the heat and his vigorous scrubbing, but he feels almost normal now. Viktor, a little blurry to Yuuri’s eyes, perches on the lip of the tub. He’s leaning over and pushing his arm slowly through the water to distribute the lavender-scented bubbles. 

 

Despite the stress still tensing his shoulders, Yuuri can’t help the little flutter of his heart. Viktor is so much better than any of Yuuri’s pre-Sochi dreams. Yuuri wishes that he could somehow prove that he was worthy of Viktor, but he doesn’t think it’s possible.

 

Yuuri clutches at the skin beneath his navel. His nails are a little too long and leave raised pink lines on his cooling skin.

 

“Zolostye moyo?” Viktor is watching him. Yuuri crosses his arms low over his stomach. “The bath is ready. Why don’t you get in?”

 

Yuuri steps over the side of the tub and huddles in the middle, swamped by foam.

 

“You too?”

 

“Do you want me to?”

 

Yuuri nods. Viktor stands and takes off his silk robe.

 

“I’ll be back in a moment.”

 

Viktor steps into the shower, and Yuuri draws up his legs. He wraps his arms around them and lays his face against his knees. The bath isn’t as hot as the shower had been, but it’s more than warm enough to keep Yuuri from taking a chill.

 

Before Yuuri can get too lost in his own head, Viktor is out of the shower and slipping into the tub behind Yuuri. Yuuri uncoils himself and rests against Viktor’s chest. Viktor’s arms wrap around him, and the taller man nuzzles the top of Yuuri’s head.

 

Viktor doesn’t ask what set Yuuri off earlier. He’s learned to allow Yuuri to do some things at his own pace. Yuuri appreciates it and half turns in Viktor’s embrace. He lifts himself to sit on Viktor’s thigh, throws one arm over the back of Viktor’s neck, and places kisses on the underside of Viktor’s jaw. Viktor rubs his back in return, and they silently continue cuddling in the tub.

 

Eventually, a small rumble grows in the back of Yuuri’s throat. He’s purring. The low sound of contentment is a natural reaction of a soothed omega. When Yuuri realizes what the noise is, his hands snap to his throat and the sound is cut off. He makes another noise then, a whine, and presses his hands over his mouth.

 

“Yuuri?”

 

Yuuri looks at Viktor, tears welling in his eyes.

 

“I hate this, Viktor.”

 

“What, lyubov moya?”

 

Yuuri has failed to find the words to explain himself before, but in the face of Viktor’s gentle words he wants to try. He drops his hands into his lap.

 

“I- my body. It’s doing things. It wants me to do things.”

 

“And you don’t want to?”

 

Yuuri shakes his head. “It’s like there’s two people in my body. Sometimes it’s me, but other times it’s someone else, and I hate it.” Yuuri sniffles and Viktor croons at him. Yuuri jumps on that. “Like how you did that. My body wants to make noise or expose my throat, but that’s not what I want.”

 

“Those are just instincts, Yuuri. I fight against mine too. I spent a lot of the time during your preheat fighting them.”

 

It’s not the same, but Yuuri knows that Viktor isn’t understanding because he’s failing to explain it right. “Not like that... You fight your instincts because you know you shouldn’t act that way. Like…” He scrambles for an example. “Like how you wanted to growl and take me away when the doctor examined me.”

 

“She was hurting you.” Viktor says, unrepentant. “And making you uncomfortable. Next time we will go to another doctor. I’ll ask Gregori who he sees.”

 

Yuuri ignores that, almost all doctors are as bad as each other as far as he’s concerned. He continues with his explanation. “My body is pushing me to do things that I wouldn’t consider in the first place…” He doesn’t want to hurt Viktor’s feelings, but Yuuri figures that at this point he might as well confess everything. “When I came out of my heat... I was disgusted with myself. I don’t want to have any more heats.”

 

“You… didn’t enjoy yourself?” Viktor’s voice is uncertain, but urgent. “Yuuri, was I forcing you?”

 

“Not you. My body was.” Yuuri hugs Viktor, drips tears along his lover’s collarbone. “I love you. I love sex with you… But during my heat... I don’t remember anything about it. It’s like I wasn’t even there.”

 

When Yuuri pulls back, Viktor still looks a little shaken, but he takes his hand and holds it tight.

 

“When I was in Detroit, I was taking these really strong suppressants. They suppressed all of those things, not just my heats, and I felt like I had complete control of myself. Like I could just be the real me.”

 

“Yuuri, it sounds like you don’t want to be an omega at all.”

 

It’s like a light has been shone onto a dark part of Yuuri’s mind, because that’s exactly what he’s feeling. He doesn’t like that part of himself, or the way people around him sometimes react when they find out his dynamic.

 

He’s just never put it all together before, wouldn’t have been able to withstand the implications of it on his own. But now he has Viktor. He’s  _ mated  _ to Viktor, and Yuuri fears that maybe that makes it worse because whatever he chooses to do will affect Viktor as well. Their bond is supposed to be forever, but if Yuuri rejects his omeganess isn’t he rejecting the part of him that is bonded to Viktor too?

 

The water eventually cools into lukewarmness, and Yuuri and Viktor get out and head into the guest bedroom. Viktor says that they will skip practice the next day. The conversation does not turn back to Yuuri’s feelings on his omeganess, Yuuri doesn’t let it. They talk and snuggle, reaffirming their connection until dawn begins filtering through the curtains, and Yuuri falls asleep between sentences.

 

When Yuuri wakes he can see the sun setting through the window. There’s a chime sounding through the flat, and Yuuri knows that Viktor must be washing the pieces that had been accumulated into their nest. He grateful that he won’t have to do it himself, doesn’t know if he can stand the overwhelming scent of his heat without having another meltdown; though he does feel a little more steady now that he knows what he does.

 

Yuuri reaches over to the side table on instinct and finds that Viktor must have moved his glasses there. He puts them on. Along with his glasses Viktor has left two pill bottles, one that Yuuri recognized from the years he had taken them in America and the other the brand of suppressants he has been taking in Japan. Viktor's leaving the choice to him, and Yuuri’s heart is melting with his love for Viktor and Viktor's understanding that while they might be bonded Yuuri needs control over his own body. There’s also a bottle of the fruit smoothie drink that Yuuri likes to buy from the vending machines at the rink, despite Viktor’s objections.

 

Lastly, propped up against the bottle is a folded pamphlet printed on colorful paper. It reads:  **What Does it Mean to be Transdynamic?**

**Author's Note:**

> This is the last of the fics I've written for omegaverse week. I feel like participating allowed me to explore a lot of interesting ideas and meet lots of new readers. Nonetheless I look forward to getting back to a less demanding posting schedule. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who has stopped by just for this fic and especially if you've stuck around all week ♥
> 
> Next week I have one ficlet for Tentacle!Yuuri week and one for YOI Pride Week. I used the excuse of their being two events to only write one thing for each :)


End file.
